Assertive Communication

Assertive communication is so helpful when you either WANT something or DON’T WANT something.

Here are some easy-to-remember steps when communicating assertively with another person. And remember, this is something you can use when communicating with ANYONE.

These steps will form the acronym DEAR:

D – Describe the current situation.
Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to. Stick to the facts. Using “I” statements are recommended. Using “You” statements often results in the other person feeling attacked and then becoming defensive.

E – Express your feelings and opinions about the situation.
Assume that your feelings and opinions are not self-evident. Identify the most accurate emotion(s) you experience.

A – Assert yourself clearly by asking for what you want or don’t want.
Assume that others will not figure it out or do what you want unless you ask. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

R – Reinforce or reward the person ahead of time by explaining consequences.
If you want something, tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want and the negative effects of you not getting it. Help the person to see your perspective and feel good ahead of time for doing or accepting what you want.

 

Example:

Scenario:
You work in an office job. A colleague sits at the desk next to you. Recently your colleague has started listening to music through their headphones as they work. The music is loud enough for you to hear and is impacting you negatively. Your ability to concentrate and focus on your work has dropped. You are frustrated.

Here’s how you could communicate assertively to your colleague in this situation.

D – “I have noticed you listening to music recently and I have been able to hear the music coming through your headphones. Hearing the music playing makes it hard for me to concentrate and focus”.

E – “I am feeling frustrated by this”.

A – “Could you please lower the volume of the music you are playing?”

R – “If you lowered the volume I would be able to complete my tasks quicker, not be distracted and frustrated. I would really appreciate it”.

*Assertive communication does not guarantee to always give you what you want, but it gives you the best chance of getting what you want.

 

If you need help from a psychologist regarding relationship or communication skills, please contact Leading Psychology. We are here to help!