Do you think a relationship will make you happy? A movie to watch.

“I know that she is the only person in the entire universe that will make me happy”

“I love how she makes me feel. Like anything’s possible. Like, I don’t know…like life is worth it”

“I can’t get her out of my head, you know? I see her everywhere. She’s all I think about”

These are direct quotes from Tom, a character in the movie “500 days of summer”. In this movie, Tom is played by actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Tom, shortly after meeting a woman named Summer (played by actress Zooey Deschanel), is convinced that she is “the one” and attempts to pursue a relationship with her. In this movie, Tom’s mood is heavily influenced by the current state of affairs with Summer. If there was closeness, connection and reassurance, Tom was elated. If there was uncertainty, confusion and mixed signals, Tom was deflated. Tom thought that happiness and validation would be found in being in a relationship with Summer. This mentality put Tom in a vulnerable position because whatever you give the power to make you happy, you also give the power to make you sad. Whatever you give the power to validate you as a person, you also give the power to invalidate you as a person. Tom’s happiness was dependent on things working out with Summer, which created unrealistic expectations, internal angst for Tom and an unhealthy pressure to the relationship. Summer was the object of Tom’s affections because from Tom’s perspective, Summer was the source of his worth, validation, happiness and contentment, exposing underlying self-worth and contentment issues.

Tom’s belief in Summer being his source of happiness, contentment and validation led to rumination, obsessive thinking and mood instability. It could be said that for Tom, Summer was an idol. By definition, an idol is an object of extreme devotion, admiration and love. Tom’s idolizing of Summer led to him not seeing his relationship with Summer for what it truly was. Tom looked at his relationship through rose-colored glasses and saw the relationship more for what he wanted it to be, instead of what it was in reality. Tom’s idolizing of Summer led to him not seeing the clear evidence that suggested Tom and Summer were not a good match. For example, when Tom pursued Summer initially, Summer mentioned that she saw Tom as a friend and did not want anything serious with him. Also, when they were together, Tom reached out to hold Summer’s hand and she pulled away. This could be described as not seeing or overlooking red flags. Tom’s idolizing of Summer sabotaged another dating relationship he was in, as he compared this woman to Summer and used this woman to “get over” Summer, which proved to be self-destructive.

Interestingly, Tom’s pursuit of happiness in Summer led to much unhappiness and pain because happiness can never be truly found in another person. Tom’s pursuit put an unhealthy strain on the relationship dynamic and contributed to the relationship not working. Tom’s dependence on Summer for happiness meant that Summer was unknowingly responsible for providing happiness to Tom. Does that sound healthy to you?

Does this resonate with you?

Have you thought that happiness can be found in a relationship?
Has a relationship or a particular person been unhealthily influential to your mood?
Do you rely on another person for validation or love?
Do you fear being alone?
Do you fear not being with a particular person or that person being with someone else?
Do you obsessively think about someone?

If so, “500 days of summer” is a good movie to watch.